I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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