how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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