I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
don't judge my taste in strippers
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
