i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
