we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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