Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
farters have to be the big spoon...
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
