Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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