Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
