Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize