Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize