so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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