So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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