Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
