so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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