I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
