and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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