North Korea, Best Korea!
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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