there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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