Cold hands, warm shart.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
