They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Jerry, you need to find god
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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