Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
