My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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