There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
