I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
