First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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