why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i think my mom watched the whole time
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
