When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
