He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
