omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
