Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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