dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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