whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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