Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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