dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
