omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
