I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize