he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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