none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
