Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
