What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
