if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Even my vagina gasped.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
