I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize