Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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