I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
