Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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