I would go down on you faster than GM stock
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
