Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
