allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
