I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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