so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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