Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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