I think i peed on brittanys purse
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
