Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
