Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
