I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
