if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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