I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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