So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
