I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I will pee on everything he values.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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