You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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