So drunk its hurt
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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