Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize