Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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