So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
