sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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