my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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